Today you will lose it. Everybody’s life depends on it, at least for
those you know. A virtuous lady must be clean and unopened. You have always
been told that. Just how a woman’s virtue must depend on the soft sticky flesh
walling her inside is what you will never understand. And you will not.
But today you must burst their bubbles. You must lose it. No! You will give it
out, you wouldn’t lose it. To lose it, your virginity, is for it to be forcibly
taken from you. Today, you must give it to him, because you love him, because
he is worth it. He is your first love. For the times you have shared and the
emotions bared with him, your virginity will be his reward. Soon, today, he
will bang you hard until he goes all in. However, now, you are battling with
mixed feelings. The very anticipation that you will climax and float as
pleasures flush through you excites you.
Notwithstanding, when you think of the brief pains, the trickle of blood
and his sore first thrusts before your water oils his subsequent entries, you
shiver, you bite your lower lip, fear rankles you on end. Today, you are sure,
you must give it to him. You know this truth. Your virginity is no longer
yours. And just like anything you have shared with him, you must that too.
These days, you are wetter than it is expected of a virgin. Sometimes, in the bathroom, briefly, you brook yourself with your toothbrush. Only with the tip, so that you don't break through it. For that, you are shameful. You feel embarrassed afterwards. That only speaks of some inferiority, you tell yourself. That informs it that when he asks you allow him, you promise he will be your first man. He will make the first entry into you. You have waited so long for this, the day you will know the warmth feel of someone else in you. You so want to be opened through. Today it will be. You will lose your virginity.
These days, you are wetter than it is expected of a virgin. Sometimes, in the bathroom, briefly, you brook yourself with your toothbrush. Only with the tip, so that you don't break through it. For that, you are shameful. You feel embarrassed afterwards. That only speaks of some inferiority, you tell yourself. That informs it that when he asks you allow him, you promise he will be your first man. He will make the first entry into you. You have waited so long for this, the day you will know the warmth feel of someone else in you. You so want to be opened through. Today it will be. You will lose your virginity.
Today, he calls you. He says he finally gets the condom. The news makes
you joyous. You feel everything will sail through. You had agreed on a
protected first-time. You fear pregnancy. He had come into your hands before,
the initial time you almost had sex with him but soon stopped. You fear
pregnancy; he fears a bleak future. You know how sticky his sperm is. It will
shoot up your tummy in no time. Almost immediately after the news, you feel
sad. Some seconds ago, you are joyous, now you are sad. Having ambivalent feelings
has become a habit with you. You really cannot place your sudden emotional
shift, why you are happy and then sad.
Condom will not do it. You finally place it. That is the reason for your
sadness. It will not be different from the rubbery feel you get whenever you
fuck yourself with your toothbrush, in the bath. You desire something natural.
You want him. You want his pulsing energy in you, in flesh. Condom will make everything
rubbery. So you text him. And you speak in fragmented thoughts, sending him six
SMSes in a row:
“You.”
“Only.”
“Fuck.”
“Flesh.”
“Condom.”
“Hate.”
He understands what you mean. And he dashes. He does not show up at your
place. You know he fears your intention. You are more desperate than he is.
That will be your first time, not his. He’s more experienced. Your bed is
ready. Nothing appears special though, unlike what those Western romantic soft
porn movies make one believe. Your bed is just ordinarily laid; your duvet on
the brown bedspread; two pillows at both sides of the 41/2 bed. You
stay outside the campus. Today, you stab your evening lecture. He promises to
come by 5pm, same time as your core course class.
Tick…clock…sighs. He does not show up. 5:45pm.
Wet…sweats…pants. He is still not there. 6:25pm.
Teats…breasts…cunt. You can’t wait anymore. 7:05pm.
Wetter…aroused…dick. You are frustrated. You buckle. 9:25pm
So, you move. Today, you will lose your virginity. He is not here. He is
not with you. You will make him be. Today, he must be in you. You will make
him.
You tear a piece of paper. You write his name on it. You unroll a tape.
You rush into the bathroom. You grab your toothbrush. You wrap some tissue around
the toothbrush. You follow with the paper, spirally around the toothbrush
stick. You tape it. Today, he must be in you.
You shove the whole length of the toothbrush into you. You break your
hymen. He just dis-virgins you. The toothbrush is labeled. His name is on it.
Blow trickles out faster now. You give him your virginity.
****
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