Much Ado About Baba Suwe's Shit

What interests me in this short piece is not the humour the very story it is written upon has been generating all over the media in recent days. It isn't even in the shallowness of the circumstances surrounding the story. The humour, for me, is in the satire Isaac weaves around the complexity of Baba Suwe's "cocainic" adventure to NDLEA. It is the telling style of Isaac that makes this story very enjoyable.

But come to think of it; it is the personality of a man that is at stake here. The privacy of Babatunde Omidina's aka Baba Suwe has been stolen away from him. It's been days now and Baba Suwe's excreta are still been daily scrutinized for substances that seem to be in the imagination of his captors alone. Read Baba Suwe in Isaac's sidesplitting writing…

***

 

© Isaac Anyaogu

It is now thirteen days since popular Yoruba movie actor Babatunde Omidina otherwise known as Baba Suwe was "kidnapped" by stern-faced officials of the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) over suspicion that he swallowed more than pounded yam on his way to the airport few days ago. They have been watching his shit for traces of cocaine the way housewives watch Nollywood movies to see what Genevieve is wearing.

In case you missed it, they have Baba Suwe hold up in a cell, perhaps force-fed him ewa agoyin and Agege bread, fetched him a tank of water, waited for him to hit the toilet, then bagged his shit in a white cellophane and ran to the lab hoping his shit would somehow turn to cocaine. And I used to think I have the worst job in the world.  

The last time I heard they turned something into something else was in the holy book. One wedding in Cana where booze ran out so they had Jesus turn water into wine. Perhaps the NDLEA know a thing or two about miracles. Rumour has it that they are trying to turn shit into cocaine. I wish them good luck but I'll choose turning water into booze any day. Imagine if Jesus were here to see what the breweries are charging us for 75 cl of beer? He'll just turn the Atlantic into booze and run them all out of business!

Baba Suwe has been to the toilet three times now and all he excreted were, well, just shit. NDLEA spokesperson, Mitchell Ofoyeju, still insisted he will remain under observation for other "procedural measures". Procedural measures is just the technical equivalent of "we screwed up badly".

Some Mondays past, the Director General of the anti-drug agency went on air to say that Baba Suwe would be released if the report of the CT scan and his third excretion proved to be negative. Now they are waiting for CT scan result? Pray, how long does it take to get one?

If your father works in a shit-testing factory or NDLEA lab (if we want to be cute), you should be worried. Your father tests the shit of adults for a living. That's the last person you want to get a career advice from unless of course shit testing runs in your genes. Hell, I'll pick a father that "packs" shit to the one that "tests" it any day.

Imagine this scene, two officials of the NDLEA dressed up in a white lab coat over a black jacket and paisley tie hunched over a funny looking contraption with yellowish fluid and several glass containers, one labeled "BABA SUWE's SHIT". They make notations on writing pads as they take a reading on the meter attached to the machine… Just what kind of education does one need to get a job testing other people's shit?

In June 2008, the United States brought four OD Security SOTER RS Security Body Scanners for the NDLEA for security operations for Lagos, Port Harcourt, Kano and Abuja International airports to stop Nigerians supplying their teenagers coke. The machine is believed to be one of the most sophisticated in the industry available for drug detection. It can look through clothes and see anything/everything inside and outside the human body in 10 seconds. (Who do I need to bribe to get the job of watching the machines?

In any case, the sophisticated machine started flashing red when Baba Suwe was ushered through and the NDLEA guys pounced on him. Seven days now they have held him as Baba Suwe continues to shit just shit sans cocaine. How come they are not exploring the possibility that the machine has been Nigerianized (corrupted)?

In a country where nothing works, is it any wonder that some fancy machine contrived to detect cocaine has started detecting digested pounded yam as cocaine? If a government agency can't understand logic that simple, shouldn't we hire drug addicts to do the job? At least, they'll know their suppliers.

People are already envying Baba Suwe. Just why didn't I study law?